Sunday, August 15, 2010

Gee, That's Not Very Accepting...

Not accepting picture books
Not accepting Christmas cheer
Not accepting butterflies
(Too many at this time of year)

Sorry for the tiny print
(We figure you have tiny eyes)
But say, did you know your dreams
                 could be crushed
By something half this size?

Not accepting precious pearls
No exceptions, any kind
Not expecting miracles
(Not to put you out of mind)
Not accepting picture books
Not amassing karmic points
Not a licensed charity
(Not to get you out of joint)

Not a lot of interest
Not so much a big cash cow
We're not saying never but,
Not for ages, anyhow

Not another piece of tripe
Not to be discouraging
But are you not a little old
To be into that sort of thing?

Not another picture book
It's not what kids are looking for
Not unless the pictures move
Not when reading's such a chore

Not for nothing do we publish
Thrillers, Chillers and Romance
Not the books that one can get through
In one set of underpants

(As children grow, so books like ours
Do not stay books for very long
When Hollywood comes calling and
We option them for half a song..)

Not accepting picture books!
Why not write about a spy
Whose wife is a seafaring prostitute
Whose eye is really a werewolf's eye?

He tears apart a hotel room
Where wizards are known to hide
And discovers a dwarf in the mini-bar
Who comes along just for the ride

There's not a lot of time in life
So please do not delay
DO rush to us your manuscript
(But the pictures; throw them away!)

Not another day shall pass
That we'll not think upon
Your masterpiece of modern prose
(Sans illustrations)

Not assaulting picture books
(That simply isn't our intent)
But picture books don't pay the bills
And picture books don't make the rent

Not an agent will you find
If picture books are in your soul
To place you with a publisher
No, that is not an agent's goal

An agent's work is serious
Oh, where do I begin?
You're an agent, you hit the ground running, son,
And doodlers don't fit in

So you may as well get started
On that book with the dwarf and the spy
And his nonagenarian mistress
With the werewolf's other eye

It's a stern and a serious business
So believe us when we say
We're not accepting picture books
No, sir; No how; No way!